Whispering Smith Column published in the Littlehampton Gazette June 8th. 2017

I’m sitting here in Worthing Hospital very nervously awaiting my colonoscopy. I’m wearing a backless dressing gown and a pair of what are euphemistically called Modesty Shorts, black, disposable back to front pants of the style and length of those worn by Stanley Mathews. There are four staff in attendance, the Endoscopist, her assistant and two nurses, to save any embarrassment I will affectionally call them Hubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble, Hubble at my head reassuring me, Bubble at my rear pushing and pulling a small digital camera to where the sun don’t shine, Toil snipping polyps and Trouble taking notes. I was taking gas and air, often used in childbirth which is a major discomfort compared with my procedure. Just lying there, watching the camera travel along my insides in HD, it got lost a couple of times as mine was ‘tortuous.’ All in all, a painless procedure, quite amusing and I even got a chance to plug my Kindle novel and listen to a recitation of Albert and the Lion in dialect – I may have dreamt the latter thanks to the gas and air! My point really is this, four dedicated and underpaid staff at the start of a very long day prepared to do up to twenty such procedures before home time, what a long day’s work for so little. They deserve much better, they deserve the best and respect beyond anything this government has offered them. Keep our wonderful NHS in the public domain, I do not trust politicians and their empty promises for the future when they have had plenty of time over the past five years to do more and have not done so. Thank you ladies, see you again hopefully in three years and a little further down the line…

*I hope this goes some way to reassuring possible recipients of this procedure that there is nothing to fear…